The Ghost of You (Phan)
by CookiesandCranberries
Summary: Dan and Phil share a dorm in university, but their views in what 'fun' in uni is could not be more different. Teen!phan and fluff along with angst and general pain :)
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: In this AU Dan and Phil are the same age, studying at the same uni, and for my plot to work they are horrendously OOC but please interpret this as being their 'teenage selves', yeah? Anyway, enjoy!_

 _~C &C_

Phil hitched his bag up on his shoulders and looked around. Gosh, this place was huge! Digging out the already crumpled map from his back pocket, he wondered whether he could ever learn to get around it. University… Wow. OK, Dorm building 2, block 3a, Room 201. That should be easy enough to find, right?

Phil opened his door, and was slightly surprised to find his roommate to be was already here. Guess he wouldn't be choosing the bed, Phil thought with a slight smile. Half of the room was covered in clothes and other items, strewn in a disorderly way. And amidst that a boy stood, trying to sort everything out. Phil looked at him and immediately noticed the gorgeous chocolate eyes, the black hair seemingly carelessly swept into a messy fringe and maybe, just maybe, he-had-no-shirt-on.

"Hey!", the boy said, with a grin, but Phil noticed his cheeks reddening just a little. "You my roommate? The name's Dan. Sorry about the mess, just unpacking, I got here just a while before you did, but I didn't think you'd be coming for a bit… We're quite early." Dan hurriedly pulled a t-shirt on.

"Oh, its okay! Haha, I got a bit lost. All the identical corridors and staircases! I'm Phil." Phil replied, awkwardly stepping around a pair of jeans.

"Oh, my older brother came here before me, so I know how to get around. I can show you around before lunch, if you want."

"Lunch? When's lunch?"

"Did you not read the welcome book? You can have lunch whenever you want to, silly. What are you going to do when classes start?"

"Uh, try harder?" The two boys met eyes and smiled, both thinking – it's nice to have a good roommate. Phil unzipped his suitcase and took out piles of carefully folded (by his mother) clothes, along with textbooks, notebooks and his laptop, which was covered in stickers and post-it notes. He made his bed, pulling the sheets haphazardly over the mattress and duvet, organised his wardrobe and tacked up posters above his bed. Dan hadn't brought anything of the sort, his possessions were generic, usually of neutral colours and not personalised, so he watched patiently as Phil finished off.

"Ready to go?" Dan asked when Phil had at last put away his suitcase.

"Oh, sorry, did I keep you waiting?" Phil said with an apologetic smile.

"I don't mind. We have enough time; the campus isn't nearly as big as it seems!"

Having walked around the entire campus, Dan bit down on his apple, pointed at a grey building to his left.

"And finawy, fats fuh thience plock" he said, while chewing.

"Sorry?", Phil replied turning his head to face Dan.

"That's the science block, over there. Anyway, I never asked, what are you here for? I'm doing law."

"Me, English. I might become a teacher, although I've no clue really. I just like writing stories. The characters never seem to stay the same though, they change personalities mid story! Are you going to be a lawyer then?", Phil asked eagerly

"Oh, can I read one? And yeah, I guess that's the idea…" Dan trailed off, and Phil was just about to ask about it when Dan changed topic. Phil walked through the tree lined path, listening to Dan, taking in the surroundings. Dan had done his best to show him around, but he still felt like he could easily get lost here. Students were milling around, enjoying the sunny afternoon, and warm rays of light filtered through the trees to land on Phil's cheek. He saw a bird, a blue tit, if he could remember rightly from year seven bird watching, and pointed it out to Dan, who started talking animatedly about that one time that he had cared for a robin that was stuck in the snow, and released it once winter had ended. Phil watched Dan's eyes reflect the sunlight and revelled in the honest and engaging way Dan told the story. He resisted the urge to brush a lock of cute curly hair away from Dan's eyes when he realised Dan had finished his story

"So what classes have you got?" Phil asked. "I've got English Lang and linguistics. It probably sounds boring, but I find it quite fun! Mostly, anyway…" Phil smiled, and Dan involuntarily smiled back, even though he didn't even want to think about classes yet.

"Ah, all the stuff you need for law, you know…" Dan said vaguely. Phil frowned a little but took the hint, and the pair walked off for lunch. The lunch café was over spilling onto the grass outside, and the volume was so loud that Phil could barely hear Dan. It seems everyone was talking, loudly, buzzing awfully in Phil's ears. Phil smiled. This was so different from his small sixth form college… and secondary school… he could get used to it. Probably. Dan had walked over to some other group – he obviously knew someone in it, and Phil followed suit.

A few days later, Phil walked out of class and smiled to see Dan waiting for him.

"Don't you have classes to go to?" Phil asked teasingly, but Dan just shrugged.

"Don't I have a duty of accompanying you in case you get lost, you hopeless person! It's only been a few days, so I feel bound, as the superior person in the situation, to give help." Dan replied, only the twinkle in his eye let Phil know he was joking, which resulted in a light punch.

"I'm legally an adult! Ish. I'll have you know, I bought a vegetable from the supermarket yesterday, _and_ resisted from stealing your cereal this morning. There!", Phil said, and Dan shrugged his shoulders, as if to say 'Well, I can't argue with that'.

It was several weeks into terms, and Dan was sat on his bed, pressing his fingers into his head, as if trying to force knowledge into his skull. The paper wasn't going to write itself, and he had to finish analysing a huge fucking textbook to even start on it… And he couldn't exactly ask Phil for help, _again._ Phil had headphones on, and the music from his video game bled through the cheap plastic. How the fuck did he effortlessly hit high grades, managing to balance work and play perfectly? How the fuck did all the teachers seem to like and respect him? How the fuck were his eyes such a perfect shade of- what the fuck. Dan, stop. Dan ground his teeth together. He would have to ask. Dan leaned over and tapped Phil on the shoulder.

"Phiiiil…", Dan whined, "Can you please help? I don't understand any of this. How come you're better at it than me, and you don't even take my classes?"

Phil smiled, but honestly he was starting to get a bit worried. Dan was cute, and his witty sarcasm and comebacks made him a hit with the girls, so he wasn't in the dorm room much when Phil was. He skipped classes, slept in the day, and came back into the dorm at unearthly times, when even Phil had decided his brain couldn't handle any more and had crashed. He drank at night with the guys and nearly got into serious trouble once for smashing a window, when Phil had had to almost haul Dan into bed and make excuses for Dan's hangover. His personality changed in an instant when he was with his 'other' friends, and honestly it scared Phil a bit. This was alright… As far as Phil was concerned, Dan could do what he wanted… Phil guessed… but it was also taking a toll on Dan's grades. Phil wanted to help, but had no clue what to do.

One morning Phil awoke to Dan shaking him.

"Wahht 's it?" Phil said through a yawn, and was rewarded by Dan shoving a leaflet at him. The gaudy colouring and weird font took Phil a moment to decipher, but he finally did it.

"Splash of paint disco 'dance'... this Saturday?", Phil mumbled, his eyes half shut.

"Phil, well, I feel like you haven't been living out uni life to its full potential. C'mon, what about the partying? The fun? And I notice you haven't got a girlfriend… Blink twice, and you'll be in a wheelchair wishing you were wilder in your youth." Dan said excitably, but the smile that was stretched across his face felt wider than usually, and Phil could've sworn the usual sparkle from Dan's eyes was gone.

"But none of my friends… Save you, of course… will be there and won't you want to spend time with whatshername… Angela?" Phil said, yawning.

"Well, I have a friend, her name is Sasha, who's been wanting to meet with you for a long time." Dan said and winked at Phil, but the wink was half-hearted and weak.

Phil pulled his covers around his face, so only his head peeked out. He still hadn't figured out whether Dan was still up so late or up so early, and Dan's sudden interest in getting Phil involved was slightly disconcerting. Phil was a good boy. He didn't mix well with alcohol, had never taken drugs, and had had a stable relationship until they decided it was a bad idea to stay together while in different universities, so mutually called it off on good terms. He definitely didn't want a Sasha.

"Nooo…" Phil whispered, his voice a little hoarse.

"Phil, I'll just leave it with you." Dan said, then sped off to god knows where. When Phil was awake enough to look around the room without bleary eyes, Dan was out of the room and Phil was left with the leaflet.

Dan didn't come back to the dorm that night. Technically there were rules about this, but they were never implemented, and Phil quelled his worry by telling himself the idiot Dan was probably out on campus somewhere, drinking. The note lay on the table, a constant reminder to Phil. Something was definitely off, but maybe he should try it, yeah? New experiences, after all, and maybe a girlfriend would make him fit in more… Although he doubted it. But, hey, this Sasha girl could be nice, and he could have fun if he stuck with Dan! Phil put down his textbook and pen and slipped under his covers. Maybe he did need to have a little fun.

* * *

The Phil fiddled with his shirt's top button and smoothed down his hair, trying not to be nervous. Dan was meant to be here to pick him up right now. He had said it was only five minutes away, just outside the university campus, but had insisted on showing Phil the way. And, although Phil tried not to think of it, he had said he would bring along Sasha. Fifteen minutes later, Phil checked his watch again - Dan was still not here and it was getting chilly outside. Phil was just about to go inside and call it a day when he heard loud whooping coming from further down the street, and soon realised it was Dan, in the company of about fifteen more people. Somewhere deep within, a voice was telling him to run, yelling 'Teenagers! Danger!' but Phil disregarded it, and, smiling, walked up to Dan. Above the shouting of the group, Dan had loudly introduced him to a girl with flowing blond hair, a tight light blue dress and bright pink lipstick. She looked fine. Phil didn't usually judge people by appearance, and, well, there wasn't anything blatantly wrong with her. Also, recently he was acutely aware of the fact that he, well, didn't see anything special in girls. He warmly said hello and walked to the disco with the party.

The disco was crammed full of people, loud music blaring out from every corner and the smell of sweat and something sweeter hung in the air. All around drunk teens were all over each other, sloppy lips on bare skin, and gosh, there was so much skin. Phil felt like he was going to be sick, his head was spinning and he felt black spots in his eyes, but made an awkward attempt to dance, shuffling from side to side and nodding his head. Sasha was there too, right up close, and Dan… where was Dan? Phil couldn't see him. He tensed up, and immediately felt Sasha handing him a plastic cup of some purple liquid.

"Drink up! You're a little nervous, I see, it'll help you loosen up." Sasha half-shouted to make herself heard, and before Phil could say anything, tipped the contents of the cup into his open mouth. A burning sensation filled Phil's mouth, and as he swallowed to prevent himself from choking, the burning liquid was forced down his throat, causing Phil to splutter anyway. As Phil blinked back tears, Sasha was there, always there, two inches away from him, and then her hands were on his waist and they were dancing, and there was more purple liquid, and each time it burned less. Phil was actually enjoying himself, even though he had this nagging feeling, as if he had forgotten something or done something wrong, but he pushed it down, and the more of the purple liquid he drank, the more fun he had. Or was it fun? He felt light, as a feather, or maybe a bird, and nothing mattered, and somebody's hands were all over him, and they were pulling him outside, and a voice was whispering in his ear but he couldn't quite make anything out so he said yes, and then he stumbled, he saw pavement and rosy cheeks and bright pink lipstick on his shirt until they were somehow back in his dorm room. He opened his eyes and saw Sasha, and that light blue dress of hers was in the corner of the room, and he could see so much bare skin… And then Sasha was touching him, kissing him, saying something but the words all blurred together and yet that feeling, the one he had before, suddenly spiked and Phil knew this was so, so, so wrong. He tried to say something, to ask her to stop, but words failed him. He was scared, oh so scared, and he couldn't stop himself from shouting out. What did he shout? Phil wasn't aware of it at the time, but sure enough, it was Dan's name. Sasha stopped abruptly, and Phil squirmed out from underneath her. Now Phil couldn't stop the tears, even though he didn't fully understand why they were there, and all he could say in slurred speech was

"I'm sorry…" even though he had nothing to be sorry for and this whole situation wasn't his fault – no, Phil couldn't and wouldn't think through anything. Sasha got up, put on her dress, and dialled someone's number. Then she went out, and Phil never saw her again. He curled up in the foetal position, and felt like he should sleep, but drunken thoughts were dragging themselves through his head and he couldn't sleep, not at all. He stayed like this until the door swung open, the loud noise startling Phil, and he started crying again. It was Dan. Dan was in a state Phil had never seen him before, but he couldn't really process anything. Dan was swearing, and calling someone a fucking idiot and something about being lightweight, maybe himself? Or Phil? Or Sasha? Dan hauled Phil onto the bed, and drew the covers over him. Phil tried to construct speech, but couldn't, and just smiled at Dan, which, unfortunately, seemed to enrage him further. Dan was asking him something…

"Poor Phil… So, tell me why, any boy wouldn't pass up an opportunity like this… And you're so fucking drunk, how did I not look out for you? I'm bloody sorry. You said you were single… But there's probably someone, otherwise how…" Dan muttered, not really expecting an answer, certainly not what Phil replied.

Phil looked up at him with wide eyes, sat up, and said quite simply:

"You." He reached up and gently planted a kiss on Dan's cheek, then his eyes finally slid shut, and he slumped, asleep, on Dan's shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

Dan half flinched from that word. He hurriedly tucked Phil back into bed, and stood there for a minute, looking at Phil's peaceful face in amazement and horror. What had he really done tonight? Phil was so… special to him. He had never had anybody like him, who was honest and adorable and just so easily lovable that he didn't know what to do with himself. He was surprised to hear Phil didn't have a girlfriend, but he suppressed the feeling of immense relief and opportunity opening up inside him. Dan felt guilty – Phil didn't need this trouble. Phil didn't want to hear that his best friend had a huge crush on him, and Dan sure as heck wasn't planning on telling anyone. He had accepted long ago what he was, but decided against ever telling his family. He drowned his problems in alcohol and flirted with pretty girls, he went round with all the wrong crowds, he knew it was wrong and he shouldn't but his father would definitely value whether he was a 'lad', as he called it, over crappy grades. Dan would scrape by, and his father would be pleased enough to treat Dan civilly. Dan would find a nice girl, settle down and lead a boring life, but he knew what he would achieve. He would bring his kids up better than his parents had brought him up. He wondered whether it was worth it, all the time, whether just ending it all was so much easier, but he never had the guts to. And he needed to get over his crush, quick, so when Sasha asked for some 'referrals', Dan couldn't help but think that with a girlfriend suppressing his feelings for Phil would be both easier and more justified. So, he set up Phil and Sasha on a date. From what he had seen, and from what Angela had told him, Sasha was nice, and from a group of girls who did well in school. He figured she wouldn't be bad for Phil, but now he looked at Phil, _his_ Phil, and felt a monster clawing up from his heart, sitting in his throat, and he punched the wall, silent tears streaking down his face. And now, what had Phil done? Given him a chance, the bloody chance of a lifetime. But god, he didn't know, it could never happen. His father would eat him alive.

Dan lay down in bed, staring at the patterns and stains on the ceiling, watching and waiting as sunlight crept over the room, rubbing his eyes as they became more and more sore, and at around 6am, getting up, as he felt it was pointless to try anything anymore. He opened his laptop and started streaming some anime, but nothing from the screen was being processed, and he kept constantly rewinding one episode in an attempt to understand it, yet to no avail. He reckoned around half of his brain power was spent keeping him awake, and yet through this sleep deprivation he couldn't force himself to shut his eyes long enough to sleep. Just thinking… Would Phil even remember last night? If so, how much? He was drunk as fuck… He probably didn't mean what he said.

When Phil woke up, he felt a buzzing in his head, and every sound seemed to be amplified to absurd levels.

"Dan?", he asked uncertainly.

Dan hurried over, although he looked the worst Phil had ever seen him.

"What even happened last night?", Phil said with a shaky laugh. "I can remember some stuff, but everything else… poof! Gone. Is there anything for breakfast?"

Dan rubbed his sweaty hands on his t-shirt, and checked the fridge. Nothing, except a few eggs.

"Would you like an omelette?" Dan asked quietly, praying he remembered what his mum had taught him that one evening.

"Oh, that'd be great! I didn't know you cooked…"

Mentally, Dan responded with 'Well, neither did I!' but instead he just descended into the shared kitchen, cracked the eggs haphazardly into the pan, and contemplated whether he had to but butter or oil in the pan before making the omelette. Probably, but they had no butter… It would have to do. Dan went back upstairs and served the plates, and was planning to ask Phil about last night, but guilt kept him from it. Instead, Phil started talking about his new order of stickers for his laptop, and Dan found himself drifting away, not focusing, and suddenly there was a loud clang and Dan's fork was on the floor. Dan reached for it, but Phil got it first, and for the first time that morning the two met eyes. Dan had light purple stains under his eyes, like strokes of watercolour, his eyes were red and bloodshot, with a faraway look, and his smile was strained and stretched.

"Dan." Phil said quietly, but urgently. "Are you okay?"

Dan looked into those eyes, the perfect colour, a pool of water with flecks of gold, those eyes which were full of genuine concern, and he can't help but remember last night, when those eyes were looking at him, and what he had done. Fuck, what he had done.

Dan felt the tears coming, and he jerked away from Phil's eye contact before mumbling

"No, not really. I couldn't sleep."

Phil looked at him for a while, then grabbed Dan's sleeve and pulled him over to his laptop, on his bed. Dan flinched at the contact but didn't say anything, and Phil typed something into the search bar on YouTube.

"Here,", Phil said, "listen to this. It always gets me to sleep, no matter what I'm thinking about." Then he went away, finishing his breakfast and going down to wash the dishes. Dan sceptically looked down at the laptop, but curled up on Phil's bed anyway, which smelled of fresh cotton and something else – something familiarly, pleasantly sweet… The soft twanging of a guitar and gentle, soothing voice of the singer soon lulled Dan to sleep. He had long given up trying to discern the words, but the haunting melody seemed like it was telling a story, the tempo and volume changing gradually… When Phil came back into the room, he saw Dan, mouth half open, arms loosely strewn over the bed, and his mouth quirked up in a smile. He pulled the covers over Dan and turned off the music. Dan's face was so peaceful… Phil always felt he could see something dark behind the shine of Dan's chocolate eyes, when his smile was fake and cheery, a 'camera pose' smile. This morning, even the smile had gone. His lips were slightly parted, and he was breathing regularly, and Phil just wanted to kiss them, tenderly, as if to say goodnight, as if that was the right thing to do… Realising the impact of the thought, Phil stumbled back, and had to sit down on Dan's bed. He was straight… All his life, he just thought he had needed to meet the right one, the right girl…. And here was Dan, who'd walked into his life a mere couple of weeks ago… Phil didn't really want to think about it. It wasn't as if he was homophobic, but his perception of himself would change if he accepted that he wasn't straight, at least maybe not fully, and he didn't need that bother right now. He shrugged his head. Dan didn't like him – the feeling wasn't mutual, they were just good friends, and Phil noticed that Dan always kept to a safe distance from Phil, and telling him would just ruin their relationship. That is, if Phil even liked Dan. Maybe his mind was just being weird today. Phil grabbed the laptop, reopened Microsoft Word and started working on his paper.


End file.
